I See You've Played Knifey Spoony Before

Chopsticks. You know how if you weren't raised on them you think you're holding them weirdly? Well, worry no more - I have solid evidence that everyone holds them weirdly and they aren't even de rigueur across the pan-Asia.

Eating with my coworkers has been a small education in Vietnamese culture and habits because I thought I knew how to do it, eat like an Asian, but it turns out I know how to eat like a Chinese person. I feel like such a rube, clumsily trying to chopstick sauced rice off a plate, barely getting a few grains to my mouth, because I'm used to the assist of a bowl, and I feel awkward doing it the Vietnamese way. Not knowing how to eat the food is such a subtle indication of otherness; for instance, I was peering around at these furtive wiping motions people were making on plates and in bowls and they were chopping up tiny Thai chilies with the side of a spoon. Super small, but it was relieving to know I wasn't expected to just bite the thing.

So, how do the Vietnamese eat? The array of utensils offered in the staff cafeteria was initially confusing and I've since spent a lot of time staring impolitely at people, watching the mechanics of each bite. There are forks, spoons, and chopsticks. Hold one in each hand. Unlike the Chinese who use rice bowls, rice is eaten on standard plates surrounded by various small dishes of meats and vegetables and is eaten with either a chopstick-and-spoon or fork-and-spoon combo. Your spoon is your knife in these instances and the other utensil assists food onto the spoon because wet rice resists chopsticks and you'll look like a fool (see above). Soup noodles get the chopstick-and-spoon treatment, and since the goal is to cram as much noodle into your mouth as possible, slurping is no problem. Grab a wad, shove it in your mouth, bite off the excess. In my house, we like to make perfect complete bites, nesting a neat pile of noodles in our chinese soup spoons and dipping the spoon for soup and other floaters. This is a little fastidious for anybody, but it's how we do. In Vietnam they use big tablespoons, so this isn't possible, and I've had to relearn this as well.

Now that you know what you're using, are you using it correctly? I was trying to figure out what was different about the way everyone holds their chopsticks and it's because they don't use their forefingers. Cross your chopsticks, the way your mom told you not to, using your middle and ring fingers for tension. The first time I noticed this I thought it was like the one kid in class who held their pencil between their middle and ring fingers and was just an oddity. It looks mangled to my eyes, but works well for everyone else.

The two foods used as a base for everything are rice and noodles and people will ask, "Do you eat rice?" because it's viewed as a two-party system of eating. My landlord's daughter told me her dad doesn't like to eat rice and will only eat noodles, which is so strange to me, having to pick one or the other. It's something I've never considered as an American, which gastronomic camp I'm in - rice or noodles, but now that I've been asked I'm totally Team Noodle. I love them, crave them all the time, while my mom and sister tell me I'm not really Chinese since I think rice gets in the way of food.

***

This came up a couple times today. I wonder where these restaurants are since the article failed to mention them by name.

On a related note, Griselda will henceforth be the collective name for the little dudes running to and fro around my room. A teeny and a tiny were chilling on the ceiling last night, confirming my suspicions that She was not changing size. I hope they don't skitter across me while I'm sleeping.